theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It was a blind-side dick pic.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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