I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
one might say we're banned from that church
I think I am morally bankrupt
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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