i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
