Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
