You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
