I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
