Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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