i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
