My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.