im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
