Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
