okay pat passed out under dana's car
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
