I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
