He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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