Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
