just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.