I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.