He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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