i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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