from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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