If that was your dad, he is hot
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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