So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
