if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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