Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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