He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
