What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
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I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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