you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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