I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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