When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
