God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
