it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
