five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
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First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
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thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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