You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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