don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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