I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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