This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
