life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
