Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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