did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
