My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
