Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
