sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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