My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
