your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
