i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
