The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
sex in a hospital.. check
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
