do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
