i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
