her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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