Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
