my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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