Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
