i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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